


The Epitome of Natural Selection

by OceanofNoise



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Established Relationship, M/M, Outdoor Sex, POV Animal, POV Outsider, Pittsburgh Penguins
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-02
Updated: 2013-09-02
Packaged: 2017-12-25 10:02:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/951786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OceanofNoise/pseuds/OceanofNoise
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A forest-dwelling squirrel observes two Penguins mating.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Epitome of Natural Selection

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know much about squirrels (or forests, really) so please forgive any factual errors.

It has been a while since I’ve seen a humanoid in this neck of the woods. And two, at that. I believe that I’ve seen the taller one before, if my recollection serves me well. He may have made the trek here alone, once, several days ago. He seems to be quite the hiker. He certainly has the build for it.

Directly behind him is another humanoid that I have never observed before. He looks like he is also of the male gender. A friend of the other man, perhaps, because genetically they do not appear to be related although they both do possess dark, curly hair and light skin. The differences in their physiognomy suggest that they may be of different ethnicities. He’s shorter but thicker and still appears to have a strong and able body, with paler eyes and slightly darker skin. It doesn’t seem like he is very acquainted with his surroundings, if the way he constantly trains his head around can be construed as distrust.

Because of our kind’s frequency with the human language, we have learned to detect it by ear, although our vocal capacities render all other knowledge of it useless.

“Gee know, where are we?” the shorter man asks, glancing behind him for the umpteenth time in the last few minutes. His high intonation exposes an uncertainty of their activity. He wipes a few beads of sweat from the back of his forehead into the front tuffs of his hair and it juts out to the side before falling back against his face.

The taller man stops and smiles, still facing forward so that his companion is not privy, and answers as he stops, “We nowhere.” Finally he turns and reaches out for the other man, nice and easy. “Just me, you and nature. No stupid team build exercise, no running laps on dirt path, no scavenger hunt.”

“You’re just bitter because my team kicked your team’s ass,” the shorter man taunts playfully as his entire face breaks into a delighted expression.

“We all same team,” the taller man says with pointed indignation.

“Not here we’re not.”

The eyes of the smaller man soften as his companion’s arms encircle him and bring him closer still. “What, seed no think way of hawk key? My God, is crazy!” 

The manner in which he speaks is different than I’m used to hearing. His voice is deep and rich, and his English seems much coarser than his companion’s. Mother said before that this land is home to many different people from other lands, so this man must be one of those people from another land.

The smaller man in his arms grins back and presses his cheek against the other’s neck and exhales loudly. “Come on. We can eat here. We still need time to walk back or else we’ll be late for the obstacle course.”

There’s an untouched conifer cone at the base of the tree I sit in. When both men are consumed with the contents of their carrying apparatuses I scramble quickly for my meal before staking back my seat and continue my observation of the two.

A large red and white checkered cloth has been spread out on the grass. Various containers and wrapped packages are arranged on top. The taller, sleepy-looking man opens the largest container and makes a face that borders between amusement and indignation. It’s neatly lined with brightly coloured rectangular packages. “I knew you bring chocolate.”

I do not understand the apologetic look on the smaller man’s face when he responds to his companion. He should be so honoured to have chocolate. It’s a very rare treat for squirrels, especially in these parts. Its aromatics are unmatched by anything else I have ever had the pleasure of consuming.

They work their way through the copious amounts of food that they have laid out. It’s much more that what the average humanoid seems to eat at one time and unfortunately they are able to consume everything, although only one of the brightly coloured rectangular packages is shared between the two. During the meal they appear to converse about nothing of particular interest. Several phrases are new to my ears, such as “face off”, “shoot out”, “hawk key”, among many others. Perhaps they are in the woods in search of this hawk key item? Humanoids certainly have a lot of time to direct their attentions on minute pursuits. Whatever this pursuit is, they both seem agreeable and easily amused by it. The smaller man smiles contently and the taller man allows his unoccupied hand to occasionally skim across his companion’s arm, knee, neck, any exposed skin.

Once they are finished eating both men meticulously pack up their containers into their carrying apparatuses. The smaller man lifts the corner of the checkered cloth as if to begin folding it into a more compact form.

The other man pushes his companion’s hand away from the checkered cloth roughly. The smaller man retracts his hand and face tilts up with an expression of annoyance. The larger man’s eyes have a peculiar glint to them and a mischievous smile when he pulls his companion towards him and presses their mouths together with a violent force.

I’ve seen a few people do this to one another. It is part of the mating ritual. Perhaps the ones who come here are just the self-conscious ones, who prefer to mate in complete isolation from the others of their kind.

But this is not correct. Where is the female? One cannot mate without one male and one female present. Neither of them have long hair or an elevation at their chests. Their builds do not match the soft, slender appeal that typically marks that gender. They may be confused humanoids. Or just unaware of the mechanics of biological mating.

The shorter man gasps when the taller man snakes one of his hands and squeezes between his legs in where I believe should be about where the male reproductive organ is on the humanoid. They both breathe heavily, their eyes watching each other. It is everything that I have observed in a humanoid mating ritual, except for that one key component.

“Gee know… don’t…” the shorter man groans. Ah ha. Perhaps he has realized that what they are doing is biologically incorrect.

The sleepy-looking man must not be educated in the mating process because he is insistent, using his mouth and his hands and soft murmurings of “Come on seed” until the other man succumbs to his physical touches.

“This is nice spot we find huh?” the larger man says in the rough manner that he speaks as he stretches the smaller man over the checkered cloth and begins to remove those layers of cloth binding their bodies for which I still have not understood the purpose. “Nice, private spot. Nobody see.”

The smaller man with the full, wet lips seems conflicted between sensibility and desire when he murmurs, “Did you bring con dumbs?”

The other man abruptly detaches himself from his mate momentarily to dig into the pocket of the cloth covering his legs and produces a small square package (which I understand are for the application of the male reproductive organ and, oddly, to collect and separate the sperm, which seems to defeat the purpose of mating altogether). Then for good measure he digs into the front compartment of his carrying contraption and hands his mate a small, discreet tube.

The shorter man sits up and flattens his hand against his mate’s chest as the latter man advances upon the former. He looks displeased. “You planned this, didn’t you?”

The taller man is all smiles when he answers, “Uh-huh!” without missing a beat. He presses his mouth insistently on his mate’s while his hands work to unbind himself of his own body cloths.

Once they have both discarded these layers of cloth the larger man takes his tube and collects some of the contents into his fingers. And in a move that befuddles me, he takes his fingers and slowly inserts it between the cheeks of the smaller man’s buttocks. This seems to give the receiving man no lack of pleasure, and the larger man continues this practice with more positive effects.

Both men are moving restlessly and making more urgent, breathy noises until the one lying under whimpers, “Please gee know, I’m ready.”

There’s a bit of repositioning of bodies before the man on top takes his erected reproductive organ and presses it into where his fingers had been. Both their expressions change mutually at first contact, then again when they begin to mate.

I have seen this method of mating once before, between a male and a female. Admittedly I have not seen many instances of mating between humanoids, or many humanoids in general so it is possible that these species are able to mate with two members of the same gender in rare cases. Perhaps this is the method of mating for two members of the same gender. Perhaps there are several methods of mating that humanoids partake in. They certainly seem to be moving quite vigorously and for a long length of time. This appears to be the epitome of natural selection at play: both men look to be at top physical form and both of their faces are quite pleasing to the eye (this is something that humanoids seem to find important when selecting a mate, oddly enough) although in different ways. One has the more conventionally attractive face, but the other is not without his own charms, particularly with that easy smile of his.

They also make an excessive amount of noise. It does not sound pleasing in the least, at least from my perspective. Our mating sounds are much sharper and easier to detect. I cannot decipher anything they are saying. It’s obnoxious and just noise for the sake of it as far as I’m concerned. The enthusiasm they show during this mating encounter seems like an extraneous use of energy as well, but this seems to characterize most of the instances that I’ve been a witness to.

When they finally detach from one another and wipe the semen off their bodies (a shame to waste really, humanoids really are quite underpopulated and should not squander any chance they mate… particularly because these two specimens of humanoids look like they would produce very able offspring together), the smaller man knits his brow at the taller man in an accusatory fashion. “That was a bad idea, gee know.” He picks up one of the discarded body cloths, puts it over his head and pulls it down with his hands so that it covers him from the waist up.

The man spoken to smiles back with his eyes half-lidded. He removes the contents of that square package from his male organ and slips it carefully in a sealed plastic bag, which is a contrast to the others, who tend to fling it to the side without any regard for the other animals in the area (especially since the entire unit is inedible… that’s how I lost my uncle). A considerate gesture of him. “Was smart idea from smart hawk key player.” He presses his lips against the side of his mate’s face, which causes the knitted eyebrows to relax and the corners of his mouth to turn upward.

The smaller man’s eyes droop slightly. “Someone could have seen us,” he says softly. He scans the area briefly and our eyes meet. He bolts up into a sitting position. I stiffen alertly and raise my tail. “Look gee know, that squirrel was there! What if he was watching us?”

The other man glances at me, the expression on his face unchanged. “He enjoy good show then.” His mate beside him gives him a dubious look. “Okay, I give him something. Bribe. So he not tell his squirrel friends that seed knee cross bee and yev ghen knee maul kin have sex together in forest.”

He goes back to his carrying apparatus and produces a brightly coloured rectangular package. He dextrously tears open the package neatly with his thumb and fingers then pours out a few brightly coloured pellets into the palm of his left hand. I jump back when he tosses those pellets in my direction.

“I don’t think he likes them,” the smaller man says. By now he has reapplied all his body cloths and is seated with his arms crossed over his knees while his mate continues crouching without having put on any of his body cloths.

The taller man pours a few more from the packet into his palm again. “Come on squirrel. Good can dee. Eat.” He puts the contents in his palm into his mouth and smiles as he chews. “See? Yum me yum me.”

My natural instincts are simply to run away. History has shown that humanoids are ruthless creatures that care only for their own species’ best interests. But these two have piqued my interest. One of the brightly coloured pellets rests a few tail lengths away so I swiftly take that one into my paws and observe it briefly before taking a nibble. It’s very sweet, quite grainy and a little sticky. I enjoy the taste though so dig in more with my teeth.

The taller man smiles at me. “Look seed, he like it!”

The smaller man watches me for a moment and sighs. He picks up the large checkered cloth from the grass and begins to fold it smaller. “Come on, let’s go. Put your clothes back on.”

The taller man sighs too. He sets the packet onto the ground and begins collecting his body cloths and reapplying them just as his mate had done. The mate in question has turned the large checkered cloth into a small folded package and inserts it into his carrying apparatus. They both harness their carrying apparatuses onto their backs and continue in the direction that they were walking.

“Bye, tom, enjoy skit tills,” the taller man waves at me with a broad smile. I gobble the remainder of the pellet.

“Tom?” the darker man’s face contorts questioningly.

“Tom, like pee ping tom,” his mate smiles widely and winks. The way the smaller man smiles back indicates amusement.

“Never again,” his mate snaps, but falls into step with the taller man as they continue on their way. The larger man hip checks his unsuspecting victim, who stumbles in surprise. He returns the favour and they continue jostling as they trek deeper into the forest.

Strange humanoids indeed.


End file.
